The Tsunami Of Grief News and Stories

Our Revised Books Have Just Landed

Thu, 09 Feb 2023 18:42:44 GMT

Our 3rd Reprint has just arrived with new foreword

We are delighted to announce that our book has proved to be helpful to you the bereaved, as well as your friends. We are finding that we get a large number of people who purchase a second book and give it as a gift to their friends or family as a concrete way to show their support. We have updated the foreword to reflect the changing times we have lived through the last two years, as well as the difficult circumstances in which many people have died in during the pandemic, affecting their families deeply. These have been deeply disturbing times and very tragic years for so many families. Wendelien and I continue to hope our book brings comfort to those of you who need it.

Liz Gleeson, creator of the Shapes of Grief Education Programme

Thu, 05 May 2022 19:43:21 GMT

You might like to look at Liz Gleeson's new animated short film about grief.

Liz commissioned the young artist , to illustrated a short film about grief. We think it captures a lot of the experiences that the bereaved go through. Have a look here.

SHAPES OF GRIEF EDUCATIONAL PROGRAMME LAUNCH, IRELAND

Thu, 05 May 2022 19:26:44 GMT

Liz Gleason, Shapes of Grief creator, launched her education programme in Greystones, Ireland in April, 2022

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Talking grief with Louie B Free, Brainfood from the Heartland, USA

Fri, 08 Oct 2021 13:26:54 GMT

A radio interview with Louie B in which we talk about different aspects of grief and how we feel our book can help the bereaved.

Louie B is a man who is very interested in grief, how it effects people and why it is so hard to talk about it in this day and age. In particular, we talked about what to say to the bereaved and how hard it is sometimes to sit within the powerlessness to help them or indeed ourselves. Just before he started recording, Louis told us that a listener had got in touch with him and told him that our book had been a life-line after the death of her loved one. We feel so touched by that story. People like Louie B who open up the conversation around bereavement are doing us all a service. If you prefer a visual on the interview, please click here.

Anticipatory Grief

Tue, 17 Aug 2021 16:14:47 GMT

Everyone knows about grief after death but what about the grieving that happens before a death?

We all know and expect grief after the death of someone we love, but what is not as well known is that people often grieve deeply before that loss, often from the time of a terminal diagnosis. This is what we mean by anticipatory grief. Wendelien and I did not include this type of grief in the book, when we wrote it, five years ago but since then, we have given it much thought and will undoubtedly include it when we make revisions in the future.

Edward Myers, in his book When Parents Die, A Guide for Adults says,

" If sudden death hits like an explosion, knocking you flat, then a slow decline arrives like a glacier, massive, unstoppable, grinding you down ".

This is very true. Although there are many similarities between grief before and after the death of a loved one, there are certain aspects of anticipatory grief which make it unique. It is an uncomfortable collection of tumultuous feelings and reactions and it is often experienced very powerfully. Sadly, it is often poorly understood, known about, anticipated or even acknowledged. What makes it particularly difficult is the amount of time is is present and this is combined with the presence of a sort of loving hypervigilance which the families experience as they care for a poorly relative. They know that nothing will avert their decline, however much they care for them or how much they love them. There is often a deep sense of dread hovering over the household.

The ways in which anticipatory grief is unique is that it demands a family be fully present in the sight of impending death yet not lose sight of the living. At the same time it can feel like they are in a strange time warp, and time itself can seem to slow down. Loved ones try to hold onto hope (often for the patient) but also try to prepare themselves to let go, and this can be labelled as giving up by observers. This means they are in a very conflicted place and it is painful and stressful. You can think of it as each day, being a day of uncompleted loss and they wonder if it will ever end. It is true to say that there is a lack of a definitive end point and this takes it's toll.

Many of the responses of people within our book will be recognised by readers who are struggling with anticipatory grief, or the grief after the death of their loved one. In particular, the physical symptoms of grief are strongly present in both situations. We hope it helps whatever sort of grief you are coping with.

As a side note, Wendelien and I recently gave a lecture for Liz Gleeson's Shapes of Grief Education Programm e. It is for people and professionals from many walks of life, who would like to understand more about grief, the different types of grief, models of grief and much more. There are many experts from the field of grief and bereavement work such as Irvin Yalom, Denis Klass, Kenneth Doka, Margaret Stroebe and others. Do take a look if it would be of interest.

Katrina Taee is interviewed by Louie B, radio host in America

Wed, 14 Apr 2021 14:56:16 GMT

A chat about grief, death, advance planning and our book

Louie B Free has a radio show called BrainFood from the Heartland, for adult audiences. We talked around the subject of our book, about grief, the difficulties that families are experiencing during the pandemic, about advance planning and other sorts of grief that we might experience, for example the loss of our pets. If you are unsure if the book is for you, your might like to listen to this chat because I explain quite a bit about the format of the book, and what the purpose behind it is. It is 50 mins long. https://www.facebook.com/100001005190557/videos/3943220742388060/

A National Day of Reflection 2021

Tue, 23 Mar 2021 11:59:15 GMT

Today is the National Day of Reflection 2021

It is so hard to believe that it has been a year since the first lockdown began in 2020. Sadly hundreds of thousands of people have died around the word and in the UK. So many lives have been abruptly cut short by the Covid 19 virus and multiple families and friends have been bereaved unexpectedly.

These deaths have been utterly devastating for all the people who are left behind and who are now struggling with their grief and despair. This is the day to reflect on all our collective losses, to step up and support the bereaved and to hold the hope for better times to emerge from this difficult time.

Let us pause and think of our loved ones, our friends, our mothers, fathers, brothers, sisters, aunts, uncles, cousins, nieces and nephews, those who have died and those who grieve.

CHRISTMAS IS BLURRED THIS YEAR

Sun, 20 Dec 2020 12:02:28 GMT

For so many of us, Christmas is different and is not the focus this year....

There is so much grief this Christmas. The death of beloved family members or friends have rocked people's worlds. We know some of you will be waiting by the phone to hear how your loved one is while in hospital, maybe with Covid 19 or other illnesses and you are grieving that separation and facing anxious waits. Many older people are isolating themselves at home, or are apart in Care Homes, and families are grieving for the lost contact and touch. Some of you will be facing the first Christmas without your loved one. Grandparents are grieving the loss of connection with their grandchildren and all manner of family relationships are in a state of disconnectedness. To cap it all, we now have the new rules about Christmas and what that means individually to us all. There is an awful lot to be sad and frustrated about just now and it may feel unbearable.

It is hard to find anything comforting to say that can reach you all in the way it is needed but perhaps in the spirit of our book, we can say that whatever you are feeling and however deep your grief is, it is OK to be feeling whatever it is you are experiencing. You do not have to be brave or cheerful. Find the people who can support you, love you and listen to you (even over Facetime, telephone or Zoom). Rest as much as you can, grief is so tiring and be kind to yourself. You can do it differently this year, it is alright to change your plans.

We know this is cliched, but "this too shall pass". Perhaps holding onto that thought might help in the tough moments. We certainly hope amongst all your grief you can find some peace this Christmas.

Photo on <a href="https://foter.com/re7/765185">Foter.com</a>

USEFUL RESOURCES SIGNPOSTED IN OUR BOOK

Tue, 08 Dec 2020 17:48:32 GMT

We want to support National Grief Awareness Week by highlighting some of the organisations which can support people in their grief.

Sometimes you might need more support if life feels too difficult during times of grief and bereavement. In our book we have a comprehensive list of agencies and organisations which are there to do just that. There are too many to list here but this is a sampling we want to share in National Grief Awareness Week:

www.samaritans.org - if you are in despair.

www.modernloss.com - lots of useful information and support

www.widowedandyoung.org.uk - for younger widows and widowers.

www.childbereavementuk.org - for support for children/young people who have lost a loved one.

www.sands.org.uk - support for parents and family after the birth of a stillborn baby or the death of a baby or child.

www.griefencounter.org.uk - support for younger people in grief

www.samm.org.uk support for those affected by murder and manslaughter.

Another lovely website which is not listed in our book but will be on the next reprint is www.findyourharbor.com - for anyone grieving someone they love or a pet.

NATIONAL GRIEF AWARENESS WEEK 2020

Tue, 01 Dec 2020 12:48:55 GMT

An important week when grief is the topic of conversation

We are well aware that grief can be very isolating and a lonely experience. That is why we are totally behind the wonderful initiative that is the National Grief Awareness Week, whose aims are fourfold:

Firstly , to help the bereaved feel acknowledged and understood.

Secondly , to help those grieving and the professionals working with them to find the suppo rt they need NOW .

Thirdly , to help those supporting their grieving friends and family to know what to say and do.

Fourthly, to help the smaller support organisations to raise their profile and reach those in need within their communities.

The week is organised by The Good Grief Trust and you can see more about the week at www.nationalgriefawarenessweek.org.

Our illustrated book, Surviving the Tsunami of Grief meets all their aspirations and it was always our intention to write a book which was both for those who grieve and the people who care for them. There are sections which specifically offer support to relatives and loved ones, directing them to things that are helpful as well as things which are not. In addition, there is a comprehensive resources list at the back of useful organisations in the UK for all kinds of specialist support. If you want to follow the week on Twitter the hashtags are #ShareYourStory and #NGAW20.

LONELINESS DURING LOCKDOWN WHEN YOU ARE GRIEVING

Thu, 19 Nov 2020 15:02:18 GMT

Does lockdown intensify grief and loneliness?

Grief can feel very lonely at anytime of the day or night when we are bereaved and we can also feel at our loneliest, when we are in the midst of people. We don't have to be alone to feel alone. With the person we love missing from our life, loneliness is a default setting. Sometimes we can go about our daily lives for moments of normality but we come back to that empty sense of isolation often, and it hurts.

The recent lockdown is an enforced separation for large swathes of us and many bereaved people are experiencing it as a deep reflection of how they feel and may be more comfortable to be indoors with their grief, more private and more enclosed. Others who don't want to dwell on their grief and keep busy may be finding the lockdown akin to a prod of their grief which they would rather not be enduring.

Whether you are someone who is very private in your grief or someone who wears your heart on your sleeve and has no qualms about outward displays of grief, lockdown presents challenges you could have done without just now. The enforced isolation from friends, family, your community and your support network may be taking it's toll.

So if you are someone who is feeling alone, please reach out to a family member or a friend when you need to and if you are one of those family members or friends who are supporting a bereaved person, get in touch today and see how they are. Make no mistake, lockdown just adds a layer to the grief which makes things harder.

We really hope our book offers some understanding and support to any of you who are grieving but especially so during this lockdown. Our hearts go out to you all.

OBSERVATIONS DURING THE PANDEMIC

whmcounselling@gmail.com — Thu, 06 Aug 2020 14:02:46 GMT

PERSONAL OBSERVATIONS DURING THE PANDEMIC

MY CLOCK REMINDED ME OF TIME TICKING CHANGES DURING THE PANDEMIC

Tick tock, tick tock goes my little clock buried inside my counselling bag. It ticks away amongst four boxes of men size tissues, colouring pens, paper, modelling clay, tumblers, tangles, stones, a set of Russian Dolls, a large ‘listen to the sea’ shell, aromatherapy calming room spray, a tea towel, Cope Cards, an empty wooden biscuit box and multi coloured Post It notes. If you would like to know how I work with these in Grief, let me know and I will do another blog just on that.

My bag should be with me in the counselling room where I work. It should offer the right tool to use when I have bereaved clients to see and work with. My patiently ticking bag should not remind me every day that I am working from home through Zoom or by telephone and that I cannot use the contents of my bag. Whilst I was listening to its gentle tick-tock- tick-tock-tick-tock, I became soothed by the rhythm and reflected upon some of the changes in the last four months.

In March I wrote about Anchoring Anxiety for the wonderful Marie Curie Talk About website: https://www.mariecurie.org.uk/blog/anchoring-anxiety-with-terminal-illness-during-coronavirus/271210

In it I described a simple technique called: I AM - I HAVE - I CAN. These statements can act as an anchor to ground you especially when feeling anxious.

However, I think it maybe useful to revisit these last four months into the Pandemic, and reflect on the changes. The statements are still the same but I realised I have had to add to them:

I AM changed into I AM and I BECAME

I HAVE changed into I HAVE and I VALUE

I CAN changed into I CAN and I CAN STILL

SO, WHAT AM I AND WHAT DID I BECOME?

I am a therapist.

I became a self-isolating therapist

I became a shielding therapist

I am white; I became so, so much more aware of my white privilege

I became a grandmother of a grandson

I am a sister; I became the oldest sister of a dying brother

I am a niece; became the niece of a favourite uncle who died

I am a friend; I became the married friend to my newly widowed schoolfriend

I am a mother; I am becoming a mother who will know all about dialysis sadly

I am a co-author of a beautifully illustrated book on grief published just before lock-down;

I became a co-author who is learning how to market a book during the Pandemic

I am independent; I became dependent on the wonderful supermarket deliveries and services

I am naturally grateful; I became even more grateful for the kindnesses of neighbours

I am someone who can shop; I became so grateful to online shops who deliver when I couldn’t go to the shops

WHILST ALL THIS IS HAPPENING DURING THE PANDEMIC, I REALISED WHAT I HAVE AND WHAT I VALUE

I have and value my health

I have and value my garden

I have and value the support I get

I have and value the food on our table

I have and value my loving family and friends

I have and value my wonderfully supportive supervisors

I have and value my clients whose courage never fails to move me

I have and value my supervisees who do sterling work with their clients during Covid-19

I have and value my years of experience on the front line sitting with the dying and the bereaved

I have and value the writing of a book on grief which reflects that experience

I have and value my co-author and illustrator; together we form the solid triangular base of this beautiful book

I have and value my confidence that this book will reach out to all those bereaved who need it

AND WHAT CAN I DO STILL?

I can still laugh

I can still cry

I can still talk

I can still write

I can still listen

I can still hear

I can still see

I can still be change

I can still be strong

I can still be vulnerable

I can still work

I can still market our book

I can still hope

GRIEF AND EMOTIONAL EATING, A PODCAST

whmcounselling@gmail.com — Tue, 07 Jul 2020 12:46:27 GMT

A thoroughly enjoyable interview with Rose White from http://www.reframeclub.com/ about the effects grief has on our relationship with food. Lots of people are unaware that grief can manifest itself in various physical ailments, never experienced before. I hope you will enjoy the interview as much as I did talking to Rose.

https://vimeo.com/434720679/3422de64a0

INTERNATIONAL WIDOWS DAY

Thu, 02 Jul 2020 11:26:36 GMT

23rd June 2020 was International
Widow's Day and we have some thoughts to share.

Let us be upfront, neither of us are widows, so we have not had that experience to call on but we have both counselled many widows during our time working in a hospice bereavement care team. A widow commented on Twitter yesterday that "widows and widowers are some of the bravest people I know".

When you have been in a deeply loving, stable relationship for maybe years, even decades, to lose your partner/husband is a bitter blow. It is really hard to move forward in life without the person you love. It takes strength to forge a life alone. Many widows would say that they had no choice, they had to do it and this is true, but it does not make it easier. Perhaps in the end, love carries you through the difficult times, the sadness, the yearning and the loss until your grief becomes less raw. We do know that the love never dies, it is carried forward into a new life without the person you love but hopefully over an undefined period of time that raw grief quietens somewhat, and eventually you live with the grief in a different way.

We hope our book helps any widows or widowers who need some extra support and understanding about grief and we were thinking of you yesterday especially.

SHAPES OF GRIEF PODCAST

Wed, 06 May 2020 16:53:35 GMT

Katrina and Wendelien were interviewed by Liz Gleeson and talked about their own experiences of grief and the book.

Liz Gleeson, who is based in Wicklow, Ireland runs the Shapes of Grief Podcast. Her conversations with her guests explore grief in all its facets, with an aim to normalise the grief experience and share the many ways that people manage and transform their suffering. She was very interested in our book and asked us to join her. You can find the podcast here . We talk on a personal level about what has brought us to write our book and work with grief and bereavement.

GOOD NEWS, BOOK DISTRIBUTION IS BACK ON TRACK

Wed, 15 Apr 2020 10:59:05 GMT

WE ARE SORRY FOR THE DELAYS THAT HAVE OCCURRED IN RECEIVING OUR BOOK, BUT ARE SO PLEASED IT IS AVAILABLE AGAIN AT THIS DIFFICULT TIME OF GRIEF AND GLOBAL DISTRESS.

Wendelien and I are pleased to tell you that York Publishing Services are managing to get our books out to customers, albeit on a slightly reduced service currently. We are so relieved because we know many of you who are looking for a book on grief will be feeling very overwhelmed in many different ways at the moment. We send our heartfelt condolences if a loved one has died, and if you are supporting someone who is grieving, we hope you find solace for yourself and them within these pages. These are terribly sad and shocking times.

Photo by Jonas Jacobsson on Unsplash

ANCHORING YOUR ANXIETY DURING THE CORONAVIRUS PANDEMIC

Sat, 11 Apr 2020 13:30:07 GMT

We know this is a very worrying time for many of you, at the moment. This blog was written to offer some suggestions to help you manage any anxiety you may have.

How are you supposed to react when you are trying to cope with a life limiting-illness, or a family member’s life-limiting illness, and at the same time cope with the open-ended, worldwide Corona virus just outside your front door? Living with this amount of uncertainty could cause anyone anxiety.

When we experience a time of collective crisis, we tend to have the mentality of being ‘in it together’. This helps to create a bond, so that we don’t feel so alone. In my experience, when the unexpected happens, small kindnesses and a willingness to offer to help often appear unexpectedly too.

But what do we do when, despite this support, we can’t get to sleep, or we wake up at 5am in a panic? Anxiety needs an anchor.

How anxiety can affect your body

When you understand what is happening to your body, it can help you to feel calmer. Here are some helpful facts.

Feelings of anxiety often escalate quickly because anxiety involves adrenaline . This could lead to a panic attack. Within two to three minutes of a stressful event or thought, your body floods with adrenaline and it can take around ten to twenty minutes for the effects to wear off .

People express anxiety in different ways, but physical symptoms of a panic attack can include these:

your heart feels like it is racing
your blood flow is redirected to the muscles causing a surge in energy
you feel like you cannot breathe deeply enough and your breaths are shallow
you feel faint or light-headed
you might sweat and feel very hot or very cold
your senses feel like they’re on high alert
you have a decreased ability to feel pain
you might feel jittery, nervous or nauseous
your legs may feel shaky.

There's more about the physical symptoms as well as help to be found on the NHS and No Panic websites.

Awareness is key. Your body does not know the difference between things you imagine and things you actually experience, but the brain remembers the call to action whether it is imaginary or real.

So when your brain is reminded of a previous episode, it reacts by sending signals to be ready for action, adrenaline floods your body again, and the cycle repeats itself

How having an anchor can help with the anxiety

Adrenaline allows us to instantly fight off a threat or flee from a threat. But when that threat is not seen or as yet unknown, or made worse by fear, we need to do a fact check about that threat. We need an anchor. We need a plan. We need a mantra.

You might be thinking – why shouldn’t I feel worried, anxious, tearful, frightened? Why shouldn’t I grieve for what is about to be lost?

You’re right – it is normal to worry and to experience overwhelming fear and grief in the face of 'un-sayable' words which threaten our feelings of safety: “how am I going to survive this”; “my loved one is dying”; “how am I going to cope”; “I can’t do this”; “I don’t feel safe”.

But these feelings can be so much more bearable if we are able to share them, speak them out loud to someone and especially if we do not hold them in. When we learn to recognise these feelings we can also say out loud: “stop, this feeling will pass.”

I am, I have, I can

If you’re feeling anxious, try to think about the cause of the anxiety. Then, use the following sequence to think of a sentence about that anxiety. Repeat the ‘I am, I have, I can’ mantra aloud:

“I am aware of what is happening, I have had this before, and I can change the outcome”.

“I am feeling worried that I won’t cope, but I have coped before, and I can cope again”.

“I am sad, I have given myself permission to be sad, and I can cry”.

“I am dying, I have my family, and I can trust them to support me through this”.

Making a plan

Another way to anchor ourselves is to make a plan, however small.

That plan could simply be to get up, move around a little and make a cup of coffee, because just by using movement, we can regulate our emotion . When you move around you help yourself 'unfreeze' present anxiety.

Add to that the delicious smell, the warmth of the mug in your hand and you have changed your attention to being emotionally in the moment and being anchored: I am anxious, I have my body to help me move and I can now enjoy my coffee.

Illustration by Ruth Thorp / www.ruththorpstudio.co.uk

CREATIVE WAYS FAMILIES AND FUNERAL DIRECTORS CAN APPROACH FUNERALS DURING THE CURRENT CRISIS

Wed, 08 Apr 2020 11:18:34 GMT

We offer some suggestions which may be meaningful for those who are faced with a funeral to plan at this difficult time of the COVID 19 crisis.

“ Our physical presence may be restricted for now,

but our imagination and the love we hold for each other is limitless”.

Sarah Chavez, Director of The Order of the Good Death

During this crisis, the Government is changing the way Funeral Directors (FD) care for the deceased and is advising on best funeral practice given the nature of COVID 19 (see link below). We are entering a time when sadly, there will be many deaths where families may not be able to be with their loved one’s death or the funeral. This can make grief more complicated to navigate.

We have been thinking about ways in which families might be able to feel closer to their loved one following an enforced separation at the time of death. We recognize that the updated restrictions in place about the care of body of the one who has died, may bring additional upset and grief to families.

Funeral Directors have a burden of responsibility to manage the risks of COVID19 for themselves and their clients and their own families too, whilst conducting a thoughtful and reflective service for those who have been bereaved. They are being asked to do this at an acute period of national and international stress and anxiety.

In part, due to this unprecedented time we all find ourselves in, a unique bond may be created between the Funeral Director and the relatives. They are planning the funeral remotely together, often not seeing the whole family, perhaps not being able to grasp all the dynamics or picking up on all the non-verbal cues they might if they were seeing a family face to face. They wish to honour the deceased and give the family the service they desire but they are doing it within Government restrictions and legal requirements. It must be quite a balancing act.

They are professionals but they are also human beings. They do realise this presents very difficult circumstances for families. If you have decided to have a Memorial Service later in the year, we suggest considering using the same Funeral Director if this is practical and financially possible, to help you plan that event. That way you would ensure continuity of care and attention. That bond may be equally important to the funeral staff as it is to you, the family, and could prove important in the grieving process.

We would like to offer some suggestions below which may be meaningful for those who are faced with a funeral to plan at this difficult time. We must all bear in mind, if someone has sadly died of the virus, it may not be possible for the body to be touched as COVID 19 is a Certifiable Disease and as such there are legal requirements in place to protect everyone. You would need to check with your own FD, as to the current situation. The Government’s advice is updated regularly so it is always worth checking the latest.

SOME IDEAS WHICH MIGHT BE HELPFUL:

Ask your FD to take a photograph of your loved one, or of their hand (if this would be meaningful to you).

Can your FD do a tracing of the deceased’s hand (if touching is allowed)? It could potentially be copied and decorated later-on in any way families want: some suggestions are: silver leaf, photo chromic ink which changes colour when exposed to sunlight or simply colouring or painting. This might be a helpful way to involve children in the funeral.

Can your FD cut some locks of hair? They can be tied with ribbon and put into a little bag or envelope.

WHAT SORT OF THINGS CAN THE FAMILY PUT IN OR ON THE COFFIN:

If the body cannot be dressed because of infection risk, ask if your FD will lay the chosen outfit or clothes on top of the body.

Loved ones could make a ‘kiss mark’ (with lipstick) on paper and ask the FD to tuck it into a pocket of the clothing.

Letters, words, photos, poems and drawings could be scanned to (or taken to the Funeral Home, if permitted) and put with the deceased for burial or cremation or laid on top of the coffin so they can be seen. This is a particularly practical and special way to include children in the funeral rites.

SOME IDEAS FOR THE FUNERAL ITSELF:

One aspect of this more isolated time is that families can ‘let go’ of hosting the funeral and ‘being strong’ because the service will be very intimate and could potentially be more meaningful because of that. Family who are present, can hold the space for all the mourners who cannot be present and that is a precious role. It may feel solitary with just a few present, but it is important to recognize that the mourners, are part of a huge collective grief at this difficult time and they are not alone in that sense.

Families can consider having the service streamed to other people and with the online availability of Zoom and other technologies, people at home can also be streaming the other way, to the funeral or graveside if they wanted to.

Record phone videos of short messages to be played at the funeral.

Have a photographer (professional or informally) to create a record of the service or even a video for the wider family.

The family could ask the mourners to write them letters or notes with stories and memories of the person who died. These could then be used during a Memorial Service later in the year if that is the plan.

With so many florists closed, getting flowers may be a challenge but supermarkets are still selling them if they are in short supply.

Consider using paper flowers. You could ask the wider family to send a one line note or message which could be scanned over, prepared and then tied to the flowers. If there is a large number of the notes, perhaps they could be laid on top of the coffin.

The funeral cortege can drive by the house where possible and make a short stop. This could allow family and neighbours, adhering to keeping to the 2m distance, to stand outside to pay their respects. They could find a way to show they love and respect by bowing, nodding their heads, waving flags and children could release balloons or even blow bubbles.

Is this the time to have our country go back to openly marking a bereavement? Hanging a black ribbon or bow on your front door shows you suffered a recent bereavement and gives people in your street the opportunity to acknowledge it and hopefully, lend their support.

During a streamed service the family can ask the virtual mourners to synchronize their actions at some point in the service, so they come together as a group, in the moment. Some examples are: everyone light a candle at the same time, say the same poem/ reading or prayer, open a window and say the loved one’s name out loud or hold your hands over your hearts.

If people cannot be present at the virtual or real funeral, can they take a walk outside to consciously think about the beloved at the time of the service (as part of their one allotted exercise time)?

AFTER THE FUNERAL:

What sort of things can people do to remember their loved one when the pain of the difficult and potentially isolated death is so raw and real? It is important to know that communities, friends, relatives and families can still gather in grief, just not in the ‘old’ way, at the moment, but none-the-less meaningful.

They could make an altar/special place in their home with objects, photos and special memories on it to keep them close in their hearts.

They could create a ‘virtual’ space to remember their loved one, such as a private Facebook group. This can be a place where people are able to leave messages, poems, songs, special mementos, photos of fun they had or shared food or recipes, photos of flowers and to tell stories about all these things.

They might consider hosting a communal meal via Zoom or a similar App in order to create community within their grief, perhaps using their loved one’s favorite recipe?

They might be able to create a Playlist to which family and friends can contribute meaningful music.

Friends or family members could have a meal or care package sent via a local shop, restaurant or on-line shop.

The family can post the order of service to the virtual attendees perhaps with a packet of seeds like Forget Me Nots (though they can be hard to source at the moment but can be done later in the year).

Can you find sensory ways to feel close to the deceased like spritzing a piece of card with his aftershave or her perfume? Our sense of smell is one way we can connect instantly and remember.

Consider using the placement of the gravestone, the scattering or interring of the ashes at a future time, as an opportunity to gather loved ones, relatives and friends who could not be present due to the pandemic to pay their respects. The same FD, Celebrant or Clergy could be asked to attend and perhaps use the same music from the funeral to link the two services.

SYMBOLIC WAYS TO REMEMBER YOUR LOVED ONE:

Lastly, a few ideas for families which may be especially poignant given the difficult circumstances which may have unfolded around the death. We can turn to symbolic ways in which we can express our feelings and thoughts.

You can write a letter to your loved one or even to yourself. You may never need to re-read it, but it can be the process of writing which is cathartic and meaningful. Then you can decide what to do with it. Some suggestions are burn it and send it up into the universe, bury it in your garden or in a special place or let it float away on a body of water which is special to you.

If smell feels especially important to you, you may want to hold, wear or sleep with items of clothing your loved one has worn. This is entirely natural and normal. Two bits of advice at this time is choose something your loved one has not worn while sick, as the evidence is not clear about how long the virus can stay on cloth. Then keep that unworn clothing, unwashed. Once washed often that personal smell dissipates which can be heartbreaking for some people.

Keep their presence in the home alive with a lit candle, photographs, shared music, their beloved rug or scarf on the couch or any other way that is meaningful to you.

We hope this gives you some ideas to spark your imagination as you embark on planning a funeral for someone you love or to pass onto friends and families at a time they might need them. Our hearts go out to all of you who find yourselves in this position.

OUR BOOK CONTINUES TO GET LOVELY REVIEWS

Fri, 13 Mar 2020 17:14:55 GMT

We feel so pleased that people find our book helpful.

When you spend a really long time developing an idea into a book which finally gets 'birthed' into the world, there is nothing more heart-warming than receiving words from readers who have found it supportive and helpful. To quote a few recent ones:

"A source of wisdom and recognition." RK

" Text is kept concise, appreciating that reading may be exhausting when you're grieving." RK

"Some feelings I'm experiencing I would have never associated with grief. That's such a relief as I thought that I was going mad at times." MB

"This book was able to express emotions and feelings that were real and it was a comfort to confirm that you are not alone." CC

"I also thought the additional section for those wanting to help people who are grieving very insightful and helpful for friends and family to read." CC

This is a book to dip in and out of and is short to read but also beautifully illustrated to explore the grief journey in a visual way and this sets it apart from other books. Wendelien and I hope it finds it's way to you if you should need it.

UNMARRIED PARTNERS STILL MISSING BEREAVEMENT PAYMENTS

Tue, 03 Mar 2020 15:00:53 GMT

A landmark legal case found denying payments to co-habiting partners is against human-rights law

Many couples who are not married are not qualifying for bereavement support payments. Only parents or civil partners may receive means-tested payments of up to £10,000. The Childhood Bereavement Network has analysed data from the Office for National Statistics and say that about 2000 families with children lose out on the payments every year after the death of one of the couple.

In August 2018, the current system was declared incompatible with human rights legislation by the Supreme Court. The department of Work and Pensions has said "losing a loved one is devastating and we are carefully considering the court judgments on cohabiting couples with children". The Government must act quickly to ensure unmarried parents can receive bereavement support payments.

HOW TO MARKET ONE'S BOOK AND ONESELF?

Sun, 23 Feb 2020 18:02:05 GMT

Publishing in 1930 and 2020

Imagine my surprise when I found this Preface by W. Somerset Maugham on publishing. I inherited this book amongst many from an elderly beloved and very well-read family friend. The book is called Cakes and Ale or a The Skeleton in the Cupboard by W. Somerset Maugham and was published in 1930 by William Heinemann Ltd.

And this is the Preface:

“Every year hundreds of books, many of considerable merit, pass unnoticed. Each one has taken the author months to write, he may had had it in his mind for years; he has put into it something of himself which is lost for ever, it is heart-rending to think how great are the chances that it will be disregarded in the press of matter what weighs down he critic’s tables and burdens the booksellers’ shelves. It is not unnatural that he should use what means he can to attract the attention of the public. Experience has taught him what to do. He must make himself a public figure. He must keep in the public eye. He must give interviews and get his photograph in the papers. He must write a letter to “The Times,” address meetings and occupy himself with social questions: he must make after-dinner speeches; he must recommend books in the publishers’ advertisements; and he must be seen without fail at the proper places at the proper times. He must never allow himself to be forgotten. It is hard and anxious work, for a mistake may cost him dear; it would be brutal to look with anything but kindliness at an author who takes so much trouble to persuade the world at large to read books that he honestly considers so well worth reading. But there is one form of advertisement that I deplore. This is the cocktail party that is given to launch a book. You secure the presence of a photographer. You invite the gossip writers and as many eminent people as you know. The gossip writers give you a paragraph in their columns and the illustrated papers publish the photographs, but the eminent people expect to get a signed copy of the book for nothing. This ignoble practice is not rendered less objectionable when it is presumed (sometimes no doubt with justice) to be given at the expense of the publisher. It did not flourish at the time I wrote Cake and Ale. It would have given me material for a lively chapter".

Notice how similar this is to marketing today, only we have Social Media, Amazon, the wonderful web designer Jonney Taee, Rhizome Consulting and the Internet instead of writing a letter to The Times. I have often wondered how authors spend ages by themselves to write their book and how difficult it must be to let go of their manuscript. A bit like us letting go of ours, although we are both very sociable and do not compare ourselves for one minute to the great man. And when at last your book goes public, it is time for marketing. Well, we better keep honing our skills on Social Media or it may indeed be a letter to The Times after all.

NEW LOVE RELATIONSHIPS FOLLOWING A BEREAVEMENT

Wed, 19 Feb 2020 12:06:53 GMT

There are three of you in the relationship now

I saw a few weeks ago that Rio and Kate Ferdinand were on the BBC talking about their new upcoming documentary about being a step-family and everything involved within that new dynamic. Rio also said this about their relationship, "Describing the online backlash the couple experienced, he sounds hurt. "When you see comments on social media like 'oh he's moved on a bit quick' you think 'well, ok, but I hope you don't have to go through this type of situation'". This sort of judgement is not uncommon after a bereavement.

Rio let us into his family's life after the death of his first wife in his documentary Being Mum and Dad and it won an award for Best Single Documentary which was well deserved. As Counsellors to many individuals in a hospice Bereavement Care Team, Wendelien and I have come across people who fall in love again and sometimes quite quickly. As a therapist, I noticed that men who have been very happily married search for that love and comfort again sometimes, quickly. One way to view it is that it is a tribute to the relationship the person had with their spouse before. It need not be a negative thing though many might view it as such.

The important thing is that the new partner embraces the grief and allows it to be openly expressed and present in the home and their new life together. The bereaved do not forget or 'unlove' someone, just because they have a new partner. We love both till the day we die. It always seemed to me that love is so precious and should anyone be lucky enough to encounter it again, it should be embraced fully because it gives life direction, meaning and purpose.

THE PROBLEM WITH UNEXPECTED TRIGGERS OF GRIEF

Sun, 02 Feb 2020 17:33:25 GMT

There are many ways of being triggered in your grief, it often takes us by surprise.

A few months after my father died, I needed some groceries so I popped into my local supermarket. I was feeling alright until the lady at the checkout asked me how my day was going. With no warning whatever, a huge wave of grief came over me and I burst into tears and mumbled, "my father died". I give her much credit for looking me straight in the eye and saying that she was so very sorry and she hoped I would be OK. Mercifully, I made my escape quickly and sat sobbing in the car.

That is the thing about grief. You never know when it will hit you. It can lead us to feel afraid to go out some days because it can be embarrassing to breakdown in public or at work. There is always a trigger. Music is a big trigger for many people. Songs on the radio which come on when we are driving or browsing in a shop, then a meaningful song you both loved, comes over the sound system. Someone once told me that they were sitting on a plane waiting for it to take off and she was undone by Angels by Robbie Williams.

Other triggers which I have come across are bank cash machines where they used to get cash together, driving down a road familiar to both of them, a car the same colour and make as the loved one's, the whiff of a perfume she used to wear, a film they both enjoyed, hearing someone say something the loved one used to say, a beautiful flower or a TV programme. It can be absolutely anything at all. All the senses are involved in being triggered. Smells, taste, touch, hearing and sight of course. They can be a reaction to a sensory experience.

Triggers, upsetting as they may be, are a normal part of grieving. Over time the rawness of them dissipates and although we may still be triggered years later it remains a strong connection to the person who has died.

JACK'S LAW WILL GIVE BEREAVED PARENTS TWO WEEKS PAID LEAVE

Tue, 28 Jan 2020 07:50:50 GMT

It comes into force in April, 2020

Lucy Herd, mother of Jack has been campaigning for reform in the UK since her son sadly drowned aged 23 months in 2010. As the law currently stands, there is no automatic right to paid time off for such bereavement. However, parents of stillborn children are entitled to maternity and paternity leave.

Under the new law , parents whose children die under the age of 18 will be able to take leave either as a single block of two weeks, or as two separate blocks of one week each across the first year after the death. In the past Lucy found that three days was sometimes the maximum time that workplaces offered and that it had to be taken as holiday.

The Parental Bereavement (Pay and Leave) Bill received royal assent in 2018 and will now come into force. Under the new rules, people who have been employed for at least 26 weeks will be entitled to a minimum payment of up to £148 a week during their bereavement leave, depending on the level of their salary.

We thank Lucy Herd for her enduring work in this area and pushing hard for better rights for parents at a time which is desperately difficult and painful. A bit of time and space for parents will be valued and very much needed.

Lucy has said she would like to see similar rights given to those grieving any loved one. "When I started this it was about everyone's bereavement, grief is grief".

GOOD MORNING BRITAIN - 1 MILLION MINUTES AWARDS

Fri, 24 Jan 2020 19:14:48 GMT

The Widow's Empowerment Trust

This morning on Good Morning Britain, Oyovwe Kigho, from Manchester was honoured alongside other winners at the 1 Million Awards. Kate Garraway said: “We decided to do an award ceremony after hearing all the great stories of people giving up their time to volunteer to help people who are lonely in the UK. It’s been an honour to celebrate those going above and beyond for the cause.”

Oyovwe won her Special Recognition award for starting and running ‘ The Widows Empowerment Trust ’ charity three years ago - she has helped hundreds of widows and widowers to cope with grief and loneliness and regain their confidence after loss. She was inspired to set up the charity after her own friend experienced a loss. Oyovwe works 70 hours a week, being a voice for widows and gets young people working in the community. She was herself made homeless last year, but her own challenges didn’t stop her and she didn’t tell anyone what she was going through. Besides providing support to widows and widowers she holds workshops in centers across Manchester.

We think her award is a fitting tribute for someone who does so much good in the world helping people cope with grief. Her work is much needed. Many, many congratulations Oyovwe and thank you.

"This book is a treasure"

Fri, 24 Jan 2020 18:12:22 GMT

Dr Kathryn Mannix, author of With the End in Mind, talks about our book

Dr Kathryn Mannix, author of the exceptional book ' With the End in Mind ', recently wrote the following words about our book.

"This book is a treasure. Surviving The Tsunami of Grief uses words of bereaved people to show the breadth and depth of people's responses to bereavement. Walking the reader through the process of living in the devastation of loss, the voices offer the consolation that all responses are 'normal'. Gradually, as the process itself carries us forward, ways of living despite our loss begin to emerge. The simplicity of using quotes makes it easy to dip in and out. It's hard to concentrate in grief, no matter how helpful the reading matter. This book is both beautiful and simple. The illustrations are part of its soothing charm. Thank you for your wisdom and the stunning illustrations".

"I HAVE NEVER SEEN ANOTHER BOOK LIKE IT"

Tue, 07 Jan 2020 16:14:11 GMT

A message from a reader

A recent reader of Surviving the Tsunami of Grief was kind enough to send us her thoughts about how the book is helping and inspiring her:

"I have never seen another book like it, it is magnificent, poignant and utterly unique. I love the way you've set out each section and chapters, it feels very natural and the illustrations are beautiful and evocative of each stage of the tsunami of grief. What a great job you've done! It is remarkable how you have condensed all these complex thoughts and emotions, especially the ones we may be ashamed to admit to ourselves and others. Any other book would try to describe everything through lengthy narratives and probably fail to capture the essence of grief, but the path you've chosen, I feel is so much more effective because it is raw and it is human, not requiring explanation or interpretation.

Every reader will find the statements of grief that mirror their own and fine solace and comfort in the words within the book. This book has become precious to me from the moment I started reading it. I cannot thank you enough." Coralie

We are so grateful to Coralie for sharing her thoughts. We wrote this book with this very intention - helping those along their own journey of grief. If you are grieving and looking for support you can buy our book here and review our list of other useful resources.

WE ARE THINKING ABOUT ALL THE BEREAVED THIS CHRISTMAS

Tue, 24 Dec 2019 10:21:56 GMT

This is a subtitle for your new post

Wendelien and I want to send a message of support to all of you who are bereaved this Christmas and to those who are supporting a bereaved friend, loved one or family member. We know it is a terribly difficult time and you may be full of lots of different emotions and thoughts too. Christmas Day is emotionally loaded for a thousand different reasons but try and remember, it is just another day. It will be over soon but of course, your grief continues. We hope you can find some peace and some small pockets of joy in whatever way they present themselves and try to embrace them despite your grief. We very much hope you have a tranquil Christmas, look after yourselves as much as you can.

A REVIEW IN TODAY

Thu, 19 Dec 2019 11:33:34 GMT

We are heartened to hear this...

This new book is an excellent resource both for those affected by the death of someone close and for those seeking ways to help with kindness and compassion.

The multiple dimensions of grief are explored with wise guidance from the authors but also the words of those who have themselves trodden the path of loss. The bereaved may come to know they are not alone in their journey through grief. The shared experiences can help make sense of the apparently senseless.

The book is illustrated in a way that beautifully supports the intention of helpfulness. Sometimes following a death, reading is too difficult, concentration too scattered and resting our attention on a meaningful image is all one can manage.

I wholeheartedly recommend this book and wish the authors well in their mission to ease the suffering of grief.

Gary Fielder, Counsellor and Life Coach

OUR FIRST REVIEW!

Wed, 18 Dec 2019 09:15:10 GMT

Every author waits for thoughts on their book right?

When you send your book out into the world of course, you wonder how people receive it and if they find it helpful. Today we got our first review from www.librarything.com, they said:

"I received your book today and I think it’s a fantastic resource. The illustration is beautiful and the book balances brevity and depth really well (not everyone that is bereaved can manage dense and wordy text, no matter how wise and compassionate it is)."

Thank you Princess Alice Hospice in Esher, we are so pleased you like it! The book is purposefully short and accessible for that very reason. Until you have been bereaved, it is hard to comprehend just how tough it is to read a lot, so you make an important point.

A LITTLE BIT OF NEWS

Tue, 17 Dec 2019 08:53:33 GMT

All the way from across the world

We just heard that we have sold our first books in New Zealand, which is very exciting. It is a beautiful country and we our proud that our book has landed there. We hope it brings comfort and maybe the word will spread!

SAY THEIR NAME

Tue, 17 Dec 2019 08:43:08 GMT

Don't stay silent in order not to upset the bereaved

We have devoted the last three chapters of our book to those who stand alongside supporting people who are grieving. It is very easy at a poignant time of year, like Christmas and Hanukkah, to feel that you do not want to upset someone, who has lost someone they love. It is totally understandable but we feel it is so important to bring the person who has died into conversation, into family life and talk about them. You cannot upset them any more than they are already upset and in our experience, the bereaved desperately want to talk about the one who has died. There might be tears but that is natural. Be brave, as it says above it is a great great gift.

SOME PEOPLE ARE NOT GOING TO BE MERRY THIS CHRISTMAS

Thu, 12 Dec 2019 17:43:26 GMT

Some people are going to be at breaking point

Not everyone is going to have a good Christmas and this next week, the lead into the Christmas break can be a minefield. Those people who have suffered a bereavement this year, and especially recently are probably wondering how they are going to cope and get through it. They may well be at breaking point and that is a horrible place to be. Just when you wish time would slide by quickly, everything slows down and seems to go into agonising slow motion towards an insurmountable problem. How to cope, deny, avoid, mitigate, sleep through or deal with Christmas Day becomes the all consuming thought.

You might know someone who is bereaved this Christmas and be wondering what you can do to help them? The very best thing you can do is love them as best you can. Stand alongside them in their grief, wherever they are with their emotions. Grieving is a lonely business and can be utterly heart-breaking. Having what we like to call a 'sticker', (someone who sticks around come what may) is the best thing possible. It is someone to cry with, cook with, eat with, go out with and hopefully laugh a bit with too. It is company even when they don't really want it.

Remember too that as you go about your daily life, you will meet people who are stretched to their tipping point this Christmas. You just won't know it. I know we are busy people, but we can all be caring, patient and kind to others and you never know, without even knowing it you might just help someone through the day.

Getting Our Heads Round Social Media

katrinataee@dialhouse.com — Mon, 09 Dec 2019 18:04:58 GMT

Writing a book is one thing, social media is another!

I think if we had ever realised what was involved in birthing a book to fruition, we probably would never have started. Having an idea and following it through to conclusion is not something we ever thought about longer term. Once a book is written, and in the case of Surviving The Tsunami of Grief, illustrated and then designed (by experts in both cases) there is the whole question of selling it. We have been so passionate about our book I think we have got swept up in getting it to print, which of itself felt like a huge achievement, but now we have a new mountain to climb! Two simple words....social media.

Everything is a learning curve and we must embrace it all. It feels a bit nerve wracking but with a guiding hand or two we will find our way.

You can find us on:

Twitter livinggrief and whmcounselling

Facebook Surviving the Tsunami of Grief and

Instagram tsunamiofgrief

AND THEN THERE WAS CHRISTMAS...

Sun, 01 Dec 2019 17:06:28 GMT

How feelings of loss can rise and fall around the holidays

Every year without fail since my father died, I have put on Mahalia Jackson’s Christmas CD and it evokes a deep yearning of missing and remembering him. Memories come flooding back of that that first Christmas without him. How were we going to ‘do’ Christmas, or even celebrate? Should we do the same as always or not? Go away or not? What would my mother want?

Do these questions sound familiar? This is part of bereavement that we call the ‘firsts’.

A first Christmas, the first birthday, (yours as well as theirs), the first anniversary of the death or the first wedding anniversary. All these first days can cause chronic anxious anticipation, often weeks ahead of the day. No matter how often you say to yourself “it’s only a day”, somehow it doesn’t stop that unsettling feeling in your stomach. You may think this first must somehow be a tribute to them and you want to mark the day to make it special. There is such wishful thinking around these days. How could there not be with the sudden change in atmosphere around the town and the first house that has Christmas lights on or a wreath on their door. The supermarket shelves start groaning with mince pies, festive foods and nuts, Christmas jumpers and Christmas related presents you never knew you wanted or needed.

Then before you know it, there they come, the waves of grief rolling in with all your longing for Christmas's past which can no longer be. I have never had a client in all my years of counelling who hasn’t brought up, “and then there is Christmas...” or “he or she loved Christmas” usually followed by the question, “what am I going to do?"

It is a time for a mutual, companionable and comfortable silence when the question is posed “ what am I going to do this Christmas ”. Not the sort of silence in which someone is not heard, but the contemplative silence of letting that question land deep inside. It allows time and space to feel the hurt, the longing, the missing, the yearning, the anger that they are not there, the frustration that you have to do it all by yourself, the fear you will never be invited out or that your children won’t want to come home and any other feelings and thoughts which may emerge in the quiet.

Out of all those feelings, the one that hurts the most usually comes into the space, spoken aloud (sometimes with tears) and is heard. The atmosphere in the room subtly changes. Now there is time for quiet reminiscing and memories. And from that quiet time, an answer rises to the fore. It is as if the Christmas spirit of their loved one has entered the bewildered thinking earlier and I hear: “He loved Christmas, I think I will…” or “Christmas started in November in our household, I think I will start it in December” or “we were never ones for Christmas but I think it was more his idea, perhaps I will celebrate it my way this year” or “I think I will start with a glass of champagne at breakfast, why wait till the evening”?

Notice the words “I think”?

A subtle change has taken place from “we think” to "I think I will…" but for that to happen, you need to give yourself some time to experience the pain of the Christmas grieving, maybe talk it over with family and friends because hearing yourself say out loud “what shall we do at Christmas?” gives you time to think about about it all.

I can affirm that everyone without fail has said after a first event, “the anticipation was the worst bit” and “the day itself was not as bad as I thought it might be”. You may find you are more resilient than you imagine and you have more courage than you think, to face this difficult time of year when you are bereaved. I know I will be putting on my Mahalia Jackson Christmas CD and sitting with my moments of what no longer is nor can be, and thinking “there goes another Christmas and I have found my way of marking it”.

A WORKSHOP ON GRIEF FOR YOGA THERAPISTS

Sun, 01 Dec 2019 16:07:13 GMT

Using the Surviving the Tsunami of Grief to explain grief

Today, I gave a workshop to a lovely group of yoga therapy students who had come together on a weekend of training, to look at death and dying as part of their programme of learning. We started the day by watching the short film called We, The Bereaved by Copper Productions . It is a very moving short film, in which a group of grieving people have been interviewed and share openly about their own experiences of grief at different points after the death of their loved one.

Many topics raised in the film are covered in our book, Surviving the Tsunami of Grief . I used the stunning illustrations by Ruth Thorp, to explore the tsunami metaphor and how it relates to grief. We looked at the period of shock following the death of a loved one and later, the ways in which grief impacts people: physically, emotionally, socially, practically, spiritually as well as their core identity. The group brought their own rich experiences to the morning and I was struck again, how we can always learn more about grief from each other and that starts with conversation and opening up the topic. Someone commented afterwards that she understood herself, and her experiences better now and that is exactly what Wendelien and I hope our book does for readers.

KATRINA JOINED TIM ARTHUR ON BBC RADIO LONDON

Sat, 30 Nov 2019 00:00:00 GMT

Tim and Katrina talk about her work as an end of life doula and his experience of grief after the death of his wife.

In November, Katrina was asked to come to the BBC London Studio to talk with the Radio Show host, Tim Arthur about her work as an End of Life Doula. Tim's first wife, Louise sadly died of a brain tumour when she was 28 years old and Tim talked openly about things he had found difficult during that time, especially as they were young parents. He said they realised they were "going on different journies", having done everything together since they met. She was having to come to an acceptance of her death and loss and he wondered if he would survive her death, be a good father and not be broken by his grief. He talked of the journey towards death as an unknown one and that it had been so helpful and supportive to have someone to talk to about what was happening to both of them. They were both offered grief counselling from the hospice caring for Louise. Tim felt that gave them time and a safe space to talk about their feelings. He raises such an important issue because people who know they are dying in advance start grieving before the death and so do their relatives. It is called 'anticipatory grief', and oftentimes, it is not understood by the family that they are indeed grieving. There are so many things that are lost incrementally prior to a death and they are not all health related by any means. Counselling can really help start to address those difficult emotions and also provide a conduit for conversations about what is happening, how they are coping with it and sharing their feelings. Having an End of Life Doula can also be a way to be supported when a family member is dying. Having someone like Tim talk about his grief openly on the radio is so helpful for other young (and older) men who find themselves in the same situation.

NATIONAL GRIEF AWARENESS WEEK 2-8 DEC 2019

Fri, 29 Nov 2019 19:36:00 GMT

There is a lot of help to be found during this awareness week if you are grieving and want support.

We are excited because this National Grief Awareness Week is going to raise awareness of all aspects of grief and loss on a national scale. It will offer access to a choice of tailored bereavement support to all those grieving in the UK and to those working with the bereaved. It aims to ensure quick access to support for all types of bereavement in local communities across the country. It will also raise awareness of smaller front line organisations in the UK, and give them a national platform to reach those in need in their local area. It is hoping to help the public to better understand how to support those grieving the loss of someone they love. Social media will cover a lot of events so if you need some help, start there to get involved or to access support.

THE YEAR OF MAGICAL THINKING

Fri, 29 Nov 2019 11:10:28 GMT

The mind can play tricks on us in grief but it is not a bad thing sometimes, it is a way to cushion us from the worst of times

The American playwright, Joan Didion said of her life, after the death of her husband, ‘Life changes in the instant. The ordinary instant’. How true that is. For those who have had a loved one die, the world changes from one moment to the next. In the ensuing year, the bereaved go through a gamut of emotions from sadness, desperation, misery, fury, frustration, isolation, in fact any feeling you could name really. There is no escaping it, however hard people try either intentionally or unintentionally through work, excesses, exercise, busyness, new relationships and any other way they can devise, to avoid it. What is important is how those who are bereaved come, over a long period of time, to frame their new life without the one they love and miss terribly.

If I may take licence here and quote Ms. Didion again (because I could never say it so eloquently and precisely).

‘Grief turns out to be a place none of us know until we reach it. We anticipate (we know) that someone close to us could die, but we do not look beyond the few days or weeks that immediately follow such an imagined death. We misconstrue the nature of even those few days or weeks. We might expect if the death is sudden to feel shock. We do not expect this shock to be obliterative, dislocating to body and mind. We might expect that we will be prostrate, inconsolable, crazy with loss. We do not expect to be literally crazy, cool customers who believe their husband is about to return and need his shoes.’

What does she mean? She is talking about the belief that the one who has died is going to come home, open the door, be in the bedroom, or appear from another room, that somehow they will reappear because they aren’t dead. Logically people know this cannot happen, but internally from a heart place of grief and loss, they long for it and it might. The best way I can describe it perhaps is to liken it to an amputation. When a limb is removed, we know that the patient suffers from phantom pains or sensations from the stump where that limb should be. It is of course, the nerves/brain ‘expecting’ a leg to be there. The belief that a loved one is about to return (as Ms. Didion puts it) is the same sort of thing. The beloved has been there so long, one’s whole being expects there to be someone there.

This is what she calls magical thinking. Is it a good thing or a bad thing? I don’t know, but it probably depends on whether you are the bereaved or a bystander to the grief. Bystanders might say or think to themselves that you have to accept the loss, this isn’t helping, you know that is not going to happen, stop thinking like that. The one who is grieving might feel very differently. You might judge yourself to be crazy but of course, you are not. These feelings are natural and normal and importantly very real to you. I like to think of it as an undefined period of time when the body, mind and soul need to acclimatize to a new world without the beloved. Magical thinking is one way of making sense of it and getting used to it. It is neither good nor bad, it just is.

It can also be really comforting and cushions the mind to the harsher realities for a while. There is nothing wrong with that. Perhaps it is the body’s way of letting those who are grieving down gently? It is what those in the talking professions call a continuing bond. A way of still being very much in touch with and present to, the one who has died. This is what is needed at this time. So, if you are the one who is supporting someone who has died, listen to their magical thinking, help them see it as natural and normal, they have had a massive ‘amputation’ in their life, and it is going to take time to adjust to the huge empty space.

Another way magical hinking can manifest is in the strange and wonderful coincidences that happen after a death. To name a few I have encountered are the same bird appearing at any important family moments, butterflies breezing by at just the right time (winter and summer), a favourite song coming on the radio just when it is needed (even on a plane on the first journey without the beloved), white feathers landing at the feet of the bereaved to give strength when it was in short supply. These are hugely comforting signs for bereaved families and should be thought of as such. I suspend judgement because the world is a mysterious place and what do I know anyway! I do know I would like some magical thinking if I were in their shoes.

If you haven’t read the book, The Year of Magical Thinking by Joan Didion , I would highly recommend it.

THE LIGHT BULB MOMENT

Thu, 21 Nov 2019 18:08:49 GMT

The story of our journey to publishing this book

A Tiny Seed

It was an off-the-cuff remark my mother made in the spring 2011, “if only I had known that what I experienced after the death of your father, was normal, I would not have felt so alone, so isolated and fearing I was developing Alzheimer’s because I couldn’t concentrate or remember properly”.

An Idea Rooted

It got me thinking and wondering how bereaved people can be helped to find something they could hold on to and not feel so lost and anxious in their grief?

A Sapling Emerged

I shared the idea with Katrina, as we were working together in a hospice bereavement care team at the time. We started brainstorming and scribbling on endless flimsy pieces of paper and backs of envelopes to capture every thought and idea that emerged. In the end it was our clients who were our inspiration. We turned to the words we had heard more than any others, “I feel like I am drowning in a tsunami of grief” and “it feels as if I have been engulfed by the waves of a tsunami”. These are very powerful images which have burned themselves into many people’s consciousness following the tragic tsunami on Boxing Day in 2004 and subsequently in Japan in 2011. We have not chosen this metaphor lightly or without forethought, but because of a tsunami’s ability to change people’s lives so radically as well as the physical and emotional courage it takes to learn to live within the aftermath.

Tiny Branches Grew

We realised that the different moments of a tsunami and the devastation afterwards correspond very well to different aspects of grief and so our metaphor was born.

We know the bereaved recognise and often link their grief to the impact they feel a tsunami has. The way it arrives unbidden and their lack of choice in that is so difficult. It can feel like raw pain, something which rips the heart out of them, engulfs them, spits them out and forces them find a way through the debris without having any tools to do so. They also realise that in the end, they must somehow find a way forward towards a new normal which is never going to be the same again, even when they didn’t choose or want this new life.

Leaves Appeared

We now had to translate our idea into something which visually spoke to people about their experiences of grief. We knew what we wanted to achieve but not exactly how to do it. We experimented with all sorts of ideas and creative ways of bringing those ideas to life but in the end, nature took its course, as is often the way. I broke my upper arm and was unable to drive to work. I could, however, sit behind my computer and hunt for illustrators. After five weeks I had my favourite top ten including my favourite. I sent them over to Katrina, and this is the magic of how our book has evolved, she too picked Ruth Thorp as her top choice. We contacted Ruth, drove to Bath to meet her and she instinctively understood how to translate our ideas into a visual guide to grief and the rest is history! Ruth held our mission and our vision of creating a book which would bring comfort, understanding and ultimately, hope to those who are grieving wherever they are in their journey. She also grasped the importance of helping the bereaved to feel more understood. It was always our guiding point, that should someone only look at the illustrations they would see their grief reflected and she has brought that idea into reality.

The Trunk Grew Strong

In our long experience of counselling the bereaved, we have came to realise that there are many common themes and experiences which isolate the bereaved. They themselves often do not realise that others have felt the same way. How important it is then to incorporate their individual voices for the collective good. Their words speak the thoughts and emotions experienced by many people across years and they needed to grace the pages and reflect the illustrations. Their oral wisdom has helped create the trunk of this book which was slowly growing towards the light. The shape of grief is always different for each person and the wide and varied ways in which people grieve are often not talked about. Like the rings of age on a trunk which are only revealed when cut through, so the words of grief reveal the whole story in our book.

Light Upon The Tree

As counsellors, we know how to hold grief, how to sit with the things that cannot be spoken and how to help guide people to find comfort but designers we are not! There needed to be someone to shine a light on the overall look of the book and that was way above our capabilities. Katrina’s son, Jonathan Taee took on this task without realising just what a long and extensive job it would turn out to be. He has been our technical wizard and the voice of common sense. We could never have achieved this beautiful looking book without his guidance and expertise, and we thank him from the bottom of our hearts. As an author himself, he was able to provide us with the finished product. We owe him and our wider families for their unending support and encouragement throughout this project.

The Tree

The tree is now firmly rooted and growing into what it will become. The learning curve has been so steep and of course, we are now excited to be selling our book, marketing it, making people aware of it and sharing it through talks on bereavement and/or workshops. We think of ourselves as facilitators on this most difficult of journeys, which the bereaved must endure and move through. We sincerely hope that those who find themselves in the midst of a tsunami of grief, as well as their friends and family, will rest against the trunk of this tree, which has grown slowly from a seed of an idea, and will find comfort inside the pages of our book. We truly thank all the bereaved voices we had the honour and privilege to hear and accompany on their own paths towards a more peaceful way of living with their own grief. Thank you all.